Morning!

Miss me?

Sorry for being away so long — Thursday was probably the most stressful days at work, ever, in my entire time working there.  I came home exhausted and I can’t even tell you what I ate for dinner because I was totally on autopilot for the rest of the night.

Then yesterday was one of my doctor’s appointments, which kept me out of the house until well after 8 pm, since I had to leave early to catch the bus, then I had to catch the bus back to the mall, where I decided to wait for my ride, at which point Em bailed me out and took me out to dinner.

I went to bed super early last night, then didn’t sleep much at all.  I’m finally starting to shake off this flu (or whatever it was) but the past week has been completely sleepless because I’ve been curled up in a fetal-ball, clutching my tummy and praying for the pain to pass.

Anyway.  I feel a bit better today, but even after about nine hours of sleep, I’m on my second cup of coffee and don’t see myself waking up any time soon.

A blog trend that I've never really tried.

I went for my own version of OAIJ today.

I always avoided it before, since to me, it just feels…I dunno.  Messy.  Unhygienic?

There’s something sloppy about glopping a pile of goop into a jar then scraping it out with a spoon.

I know: it’s the OCD talking.  But, since I like to challenge myself, I decided to go for it.

Oh, what's in there?

The motivating factor for me today was that last night, while out, I sprung for a package of long-handled tea spoons.

I’m seriously adverse to having dirty hands, and with my normal spoons, I’d be up to my elbow in the jar, trying to scrape out every last morsel.

However, with these spoons, I could let it rest all the way onto the bottom of the jar and not worry about getting porridge or peanut butter on me.

And extra peanut butter on top.

This was the porridge to end all porridge.

I melted an entire banana into my kasha (plus cinnamon and vanilla and almond milk, of course) and when it was done, I remembered another half a banana was loitering in my fridge.

What does my fridge look like, hey, Mr. Banana?  A video store?  Scram, you ruffian!

Delish!

So another half of a banana went on top of my kasha.

Eh.

Not impressed.  Not enough peanut butter flavor in each bite, unfortunately — it felt lost in the mess.

Maybe my jar was too big?  Who knows.

I don’t think I’ll be trying KIAJ again any time soon.

Anyway — lots on my mind today.  I’m pretty sure with all my food intolerances, I’m being forced to go back to eating meat.  Oh, sure, look at every other successful vegetarian out there — but they can eat dairy, soy, gluten.  Or one of the above.  Or all of the above.

I feel like I’ve failed at being veggie, and I’ve been crying myself to sleep at night, gagging at the thought, but forcing myself to accept that my vegetarian diet may be making me extremely sick.  All last night, I dreamed I was eating meat, and woke up in a panic, reassuring myself that it was just a bad dream.

I don’t want to eat meat.  Over two years of veggie-dom, to me, meat isn’t even food.  The thought of eating it makes me want to gag.  But being able to eat dairy, gluten, or soy…and maybe reacting to eggs and/or legumes, I’m essentially out of food choices.  Plus, there might be other allergies I’m experiencing, which is limiting my diet even more.

I’m not going to eat it without first talking to my doctor (Thursday!) to see if I have any other choice, but I’m miserable and torn and angry at my body for making me do something I DO NOT WANT to do.  I can’t supplement — flax makes me sick, and eating vitamins when I should be eating food does not resonate well with me.

Anyway.

Typing this was very difficult, and feels like a cop-out, but I’ve been mulling it over for a couple months now.

I’m very unhappy right now, so any reassuring words are much appreciated.  I mean, I’m going from almost vegan to possibly omnivore — does. not. compute.  This isn’t me — I can’t even mow the lawn without worrying about killing bugs, snails, and what have you.  To eat meat is the antithesis of who I view myself to be.

What would you do?

Thanks for reading!

❤ Kaz

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